It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Someone just threatened to call me later
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
What if the weather talks about us?
worst…sale…ever
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
seems like a niche market
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….