My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD