Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!