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I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.