My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there