Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
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Always a housemaid, never a house.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I’ve had relationships like this
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.