My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*