Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!