this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
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Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
“A little help here, Danny?”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping