*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
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The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Banana is the quietest snack
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Dishonest mechanic?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did