I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
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[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”