I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
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Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Worst perfume name ever.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.