Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
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[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Not recommended for beginners.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*