People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad: