My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Men鈥檚 underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
#ParentingFacts
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
So fluffy! 馃槏 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I鈥檇 have something to do tomorrow.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.