“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
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my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.