In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
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They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!