Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
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“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”