Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
You Might Also Like
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here