Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
You Might Also Like
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble