one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
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Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
how high up are we talkin’?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.