ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
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microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.