Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
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“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.