My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
cats when you pet them too long:
Am I having a stroke?
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*