My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
can’t catch a break
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.