My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
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woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
This classic never gets old . . .
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
I want this so bad
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.