*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Miscakes
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.