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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
*seductively eats two tums*
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Me :
All Day At Night
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.