What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot