Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
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Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
23. the denim jacket
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad