‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
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If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.