The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
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Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Nothing.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.