Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
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there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
They got a point!
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.