Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Not all heroes wear capes….
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.