I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*