I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
You’re the water to my grease fire.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
*orders delivery*
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black