If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
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The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.