Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
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“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Do not steal food from the science building!
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
rapatouille
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?