Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
You deplete me
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.