Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
cyclists
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.