No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
You Might Also Like
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.