Seals are just dog mermaids.
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?