“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
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a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat