“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
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If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I’d hang this in my house.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.