Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
You Might Also Like
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
cause of death:
autopsy.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.