Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
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You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question