My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!