Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Don’t we all.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!