What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
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[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no