That’s easy for you to say
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“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio