[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
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if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
be careful
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.