i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
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me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
“i miss shittin on people”
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.