i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
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BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
crazy
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Trumpy Cat
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
accurate
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace